FFVII: The Death of Zack Fair
by Elunar Therian PSYco
Summary: How Zack Fair really died on his way back to Midgar from Hawaii.
1. Zack Fair killed by Marlene

**The death of Zack Fair,**

**Or "Vengeance is sweet".**

Zack was panting. His eyes were red. Not from anger, but from tears… He looked very tense and sweaty. For 3 hours Zack had been trying to land the huge Boeing plane at the tiny Midgar air strip. He had failed 17 times already.

FUCK! Why did the pilot have to get diarrhea right now? – Zack yelled in anger.

He was approaching the landing line…

Okay, okay, okay… I can do this shit… I just gotta relax… - his voice trembled nervously.

He was now fixed on the line, concentrating as hard as possible. He had all the rime in the world, since the plane had enough fuel for 32 more landings… That was Zack's worst nightmare…

Cloud stood outside of his house watching in horror and confusion at the giant circling plane.

Holy shit, Zack! Since when did you fly planes?

Zack was slowly approaching the landing strip.

Yes. Yeeesss… Yeeeessssss….

He missed the line.

NOOOOOOOO! FUUUUUUUUCK! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! – screamed Zack at the top of his voice, banging the controls with his fists. If Aerith saw him right now, she would most certainly faint. There was spit all over Zack's face, his eyes glared with insanity, his lower jaw was shaking.

Hey! When are you gonna land this plane? We are all really ti… - the passenger never finished.

Zack took out a Golden Desert Eagle and shot the guy.

FUCK OFF!

The plane circled over Midgar again.

Cloud sat on an armchair outside with popcorn and soda. He got out his phone:

Hey Tifa! Yeah it's me! You have got to see this! OMG, his gonna do it for the 19th time! Just come out and see for yourself!

In a few minutes Tifa was on an armchair near Cloud, watching the aero show.

Here he comes again! – Cloud laughed out in excitement.

Suddenly Marlene ran out with a heat seeking rocket launcher: WOOOSH! The missile charged at the plane

MARLENE! Not again… - moaned Cloud and Tifa in annoyance.

Marlene grinned.

I can do this! I CAN DO IT! – Zack insanely jumped on the pilot seat, - Here I go…

Suddenly his eye caught something coming towards the plane… Zack smashed the controls and roared in rage as loud as he could:

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT DAAAAAA FUUUUUUUU…

*BOOOOOOOO-oooooooom*

The humongous plane exploded into several flaming parts.

Cloud peed himself from laughing that hard. Tifa stood pale changing her glances from the plane to Cloud to Cloud's pants. She then staggered back to her house with Marlene.

OMG, ZACK! Do I feel sorry for you! – Cloud roared with laughter as he entered his house…

… In 6 seconds the flaming cockpit fell on it and blew it to rubble…

3 miles South of Midgar. Some burning parts of the plane fell. With a whistle Zack's buster sword pierced a cliff and remained there upright.

Shin-Ra Building. Top level. Rufus stared at the window.

Those idiots just won't grow up… - he sighed deeply.

He then walked back to his doll tea party with Genesis and Hojo…

**The End**


	2. Barret Wallace the mass murderer

**Barret unwillingly kills 3000 people,**

**Or "The bathroom acrobats"**

It was a sunny morning in Midgar, people were all in a very good mood despite the fact that 2 weeks ago a plane was blown up over the city. Tifa was on her way to the Midgar mall: it was Sephiroth's birthday in six days and she needed to get him a present. A comb and sword polish – thought Tifa. When she Tifa was passing "I'm not a street" street she met Aerith.

Hi, Aeris! Ready for some shopping?

You bet! While Zack was in the hospital, I searched his room and found his money stash - Aerith showed Tifa a gym bag that was expanded to a maximum.

They both laughed and continued their trip.

I have to buy Sephiroth a present for his birthday. What did you get? – Tifa asked.

A hair comb and sword polish.

"Aw shit! Now I have to get him something else" – Tifa was annoyed.

The two girls happily walked to the mall talking about politics and Palmer until they saw Cid on the other side of the road with two large tool boxes rushing somewhere impatiently.

Hi Cid! – Both of the girls addressed him.

Oh, hi Tifa, hi Aeris! Can't talk now, we got an emergency!

What is it?

Barret called. Said he has a serious problem with his toilet. He sounded very… nervous.

Well… That's a shitty problem! – Aerith laughed.

I know! Well see ya! – And Cid disappeared in a crowd of Rasta boys.

It was now late afternoon. Tifa and Aerith both finished their shopping some time ago. Aerith left home on foot, but Tifa was waiting. Waiting for Cloud to pick her up. He was 2 hours late! That would earn him a two minute beating from Tifa. She found a phone booth and called her "beloved one". Boy was she pissed!

What the fuck, Cloud? Where the fuck are you? Weren't you supposed to pick me up two friggin hours ago?

Errr… Um… Tifa, not now! – Cloud's voice sounded very worrying. There was a strange noise in the background and some familiar voices. – I can't talk now, Barret has a problem… I think you should go home on f… - There was another strange metallic noise followed by Barret swearing his ass off. Cloud just ended the call.

Now Tifa was nervous. She decided to leave her things at Aeriths place and see what's going on at Barrets. When she got to the church, no one was there.

Strange… Usually the Fairs are all at home at this time...

Now Tifa raced to Barrets house. The horror… Three streets away from his house, the roads and sidewalks were flowing with sewer water.

Oh great! My pedicure is ruined! – Tifa hissed angrily while approaching Barrets house.

There was a strong current of waste flowing out of his front door. Panicking the girl with nice tits ran to Barrets bathroom... Aerith and Red XIII stood staring into the toilet room. Tifa peeked in: Cid was holding the shaking and overflowing toilet seat, Cloud and Zack were holding a pipe behind the toilet. Due to a lack of space, Zack was balancing by standing on the wall. Their faces were red and sweaty; Cid kept on viciously spitting and swearing. Only Zack kept on laughing.

I found it! – Barret raced into the room with his SUB hand – Super Ultra Big hand. Barret changed his hand and submerged a part of his body under the water near Cid who was trying to avoid the flow from getting into his mouth.

What's going on? – Denzel with great effort entered the room. Suddenly the toilet made a loud gurgling noise and a big wave of crap hit Denzel. The sound of him falling down the stairs could be heard.

UGH! Fuck Cid! It ain't moving! – Barret hollered.

Well… Egh… Try… Ergh… HARDER!

Suddenly a new red headed figure entered the room. Reno lazily staggered to the toilet room:

Okay, you guys, enough of this shit, the boss say…

His eyes widened at the view of a shaking vomiting toilet that was held by four big guys in a tiny room. Besides that, a very loud metallic noise could be heard now and then.

What the f-f-fuck are you all doing? – Reno yelled entering the toilet as well. Red, Aerith and Zack started laughing hysterically.

You idiots? Get the fuck out! – Reno tried too pull out Barret who didn't even flinch. In fact, it looked like Reno was doggy raping Barret. Tifa started laughing too. Cloud hit his head on Zack's head causing him to get catapulted by the unstable pipe out of the toilet, but he managed to grab the door, after hitting his balls on Cid's head.

Ooooww FUCK! – moaned Cloud holding on to the door as hard as he could.

HA HA HA! It moved! CID, THE BOLT MOVED!

Woo Hoo-eughth! – screamed Cid who immediately got his mouth filled with waste. Everyone cheered happily… Except Reno. His face turned pale and still the moment he heard Barret say that.

NO NO NO! – Roared Reno. – That's the main p…

Barret flew out of the room with a little bolt in his SUB hand!

YEAH, BABY! FUCK THAT! – He screamed happily waving the bolt.

Suddenly, the earth began shaking, a metallic roar could be heard approaching from on top. In a second there was a loud screech, a bang and everything went dark.

Tifa crawled upwards toward a small light. After expanding it, she found herself climbing out of hole in a mountain of metallic rubble. Some other members of the gang were climbing out as well. After almost everyone got out, they looked at Midgar. Barret grabbed his head and wailed:

What da fuck did I do?

Before them was a ruined sector of the city. Someone took a slice of the Midgar pizza. Mettalic rubble as far as the end of the city. Not a single whole building.

Reno just crawled out of the metal:

What did you do? YOU FUCKING BLEW the MIDGAR SEVENTH SECTOR? – he screeched like a little girl. – I tried to tell you to stop! But did you listen? NOOO-ooooo… That bolt was a secret support bolt for the HEAD PILLAR!

Barret turned around. His face twitched with fury. He stormed at what everyone thought was Reno, But he actually attacked the still standing toilet behind Reno. Barret quickly changed his hand to BFL – Big Fucking Laser.

FUCK THE TOILET, MAN!

Nooo! – squealed Reno!

There was a loud blast and the next second the toilet was gone… Barret laughed hysterically. His laugh stopped when he heard a mushy explosion, then another and another. In a few seconds, there were hundreds of small explosions.

Now what? – Zack started laughing again. Zack was in fact the most optimistic of the group. Maybe even a bit insane…

Reno sat in a puddle of mud:

Now all the toilets of Midgar blow up… - he said quietly. There was a moment of silence broken by Red:

You know what? Fuck you all. – after what he turned around and ran off.

Everyone's attention was suddenly drawn to an excruciating yell from somewhere above.

Sounds like someone is getting ass raped! – Cloud said.

Exactly. – Reno pointed at the top of the Shin-Ra building. – Rufus is gonna be so-o pissed.

Whoa… Wrong bathroom timing! – Zack spoke out. The whole group was then hit by another wave of metallic rubble from above.


End file.
